Forever Unsaid
by Dmarx
Summary: It is ridiculous, really, the number of times they had to mess things up before getting to a point where they could do things right.


_Summary: It is ridiculous, really, the number of times they had to mess things up before getting to a point where they could do things right._**  
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_Author's Note: Thank you to Holly for helping me turn a disastrous jumble of words into something coherent. And thank you to everyone who sent their suggestions on Tumblr; I couldn't use all of them but I incorporated as many as I could manage to work into the storyline._

_Disclaimer: I currently don't even own a functional laptop. Pretty sure laying any sort of ownership to Castle is a little out of my reach._

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**Forever Unsaid**

She wants to cry. She wants to pound her anger and frustrations out on a punching bag. She wants to curl up in Castle's arms and make the entire last six hours vanish into oblivion.

But mostly, she just wants everything to be okay again.

Because there is nothing okay about this. Sitting next to a small, uncomfortable bed, clinging to the motionless hand of her partner, arm awkwardly twisted around the plastic railing along the edge of the flimsy mattress.

It is too empty, too lonely, and it is providing her brain with far too much time to think, to go back over everything that happened. And not just today, either. No, all the way back to the time he looked into her mother's case and she pushed him away for three months, the time she turned down his offer of a weekend in the Hamptons and they spent another three months apart. All the times they should have pulled their heads out of their asses and seized the moment. All the time they could have had to be together.

_"And so I'm just gonna say this and..."_

_"Richard?"_

Kate cringes as the airy voice floats through her head, feels the sinking realization from all those years ago as it once again asserts itself. Because that was the first time she almost ruined her chance with him, and the pain and sense of regret from that day will always linger in the back of her mind, right there along with all of the other moments that they spent apart due to poor decisions and miscommunications and fear.

All of the moments that, right now, Kate wants nothing more than to be able to recover and redo, because this time she would cling to every minute with Castle. Every last second.

She just wants...she wants all of that lost time back. Would give anything.

It is ridiculous, really, the number of times they had to mess things up before getting to a point where they could do things right. She knows now that taking the long way was the best thing they could have done but that does not take away the lingering ache of those days.

Especially in light of the present situation.

If only she had spoken faster that afternoon in the bullpen, or pulled him aside sooner, or just dived right in instead of skirting around it. She should have just admitted her feelings straight up and maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe they would have had three years already instead of only just shy of one.

_"I, umm...I broke up with him."_

_"Him?"_

_"Tom."_

_"You...you did?"_

_She nodded._

_"I'm sorry, Kate. I know..."_

_"It's fine," she interrupted. "I umm...I broke up with him because I was hoping your offer was still open?"_

She can imagine the conversation would have gone something like that, the way he would have done a double take, maybe stumbled over his words a bit as her statement registered. Kate has no idea what would have happened next, whether he would have actually cancelled on Gina and taken her instead. Or whether he would have apologized, claiming he made other plans.

She has a feeling he would have cancelled for her. There is not a lot he will not do for her.

Including stepping in front of her and taking the butt of a gun to the side of the head.

She reaches up gently, traces the outline of the welt that has formed above his left ear, swollen and purple, spreading around to his temple and the ridge of his brow.

As she runs the pads of her fingers tenderly over his face, she cannot help but recall the first time she touched his skin, ran her fingers through his perfectly combed hair. The night he locked lips with her in a deserted alley as a ploy to fool that guard. Even Kate has her doubts as to how much was his 'stupid idea' and how much was him just wanting to kiss her.

She wanted it too, not that she would ever admit it to anyone.

Heat flushes her face at the thought of that kiss, fake and yet so real, overwhelming and yet never spoken of.

But maybe, just maybe, if she had just grabbed him and kissed him again in the back of that ambulance like she so desperately wanted to...maybe they would not have wasted so much time apart.

Maybe she would have broken up with Josh way back then. She should have.

She remembers admitting to Castle just a month or so after that forbidden kiss that Josh was not what she was looking for. That he was never around. Still living in denial, though in retrospect the truth was right in front of her eyes.

_"I just wish I had someone who could be there for me and I could be there for him and we could just...dive into it together."_

_So much more candid than she normally was, especially around Castle. But there was a chance that they were facing radiation poisoning and who knows what other horrible effects that might come along with it, and if there was ever a time for honesty, it was now._

_She was about to flat out admit that she was considering breaking up with Josh, that she might spend her days denying it but, truthfully, Castle had been there for her recently in more ways than Josh ever was._ _That when she thought about diving into the deep end with someone, Castle was the only person she ever imagined would be willing to help her float._

_But naturally, the man in the giant white suit interrupted at the most inopportune moment, though not before Kate caught sight of Castle's lips parting, preparing to speak. Probably to say what she already knew to be true. __What she desperately wanted to be true, assuming they made it out of this mess in one piece._

_Not only was their conversation brought to a dead halt but then they were thrown right back into the case with no time to continue where they left off. And with the threat of radiation poisoning no longer hanging over their heads, Kate conveniently boxed up her admission and his reaction, shoved it to the back of her mind. Never to be spoken of again._

_Until they wound up locked in a freezer, facing certain death, and the box was torn wide open in last-minute desperation._

_"Castle, I just want you to know how much I..."_

_Love you._

_She had a boyfriend. Granted, things were rocky at the time. But she had a boyfriend._

_And she had been about to tell Castle that she loved him. Because she did. She did love him. She spent so long pretending that things with Josh were going well, that he was everything she could have asked for in a man, a partner, that she almost believed it could work. That she could make herself fall in love with him if she just held on a little longer, pushed through this rough patch._

_But in the icy cold of that freezer with her defenses completely obliterated and her heart torn open by the direness of their situation, everything she had spent the better part of the last two years suppressing did not stand a chance of staying hidden. Not when she truly thought she was going to die._

_And if she did and she never told him how she truly felt, beneath her layers of carefully constructed walls..._

_She could not let things end that way. So she opened her mouth to tell him, to let the words spill free from the deepest reaches of her heart._

_And lost consciousness before she could finish her sentence. At least, that is as much as she remembers but considering that he never said anything, she can only assume that the final two words never left her lips._

_And then they boys stumbled upon them just in time and Josh was still there and the entire situation was once again stuffed conveniently into the box of things they never talked about._

_But now she cannot help but wonder what would have happened if she had stayed conscious just that much longer. If after she woke, she would have told Josh to go to Haiti. If she would have walked into Castle's arms instead. He would have wrapped his own blanket around her as she stepped up to him, held her close. She can picture it so clearly._

Kate shakes her head. The number of missed opportunities from that case alone is staggeringly high. The radiation bubble. The freezer. In front of the bomb, where everything was written in his gaze, where she was unable to hold anything back, and yet neither could find words that would even remotely convey what was going through their minds.

She was pretty sure his eyes were saying, "I love you. And if this is the end, I'm glad I'm with you."

She likes to think that hers were saying the same.

But unfortunately, even after facing down death once again, beating the odds together, it was months still before she finally accepted the truth that was delivered to her so harshly by Castle's words in the dim light of her apartment just days before he nearly lost her forever.

She has never forgotten the angry words they exchanged. The way he told her to back down and she refused to listen to his logical pleas. The way she challenged him to define them and he did not have a good answer. It hurt more than she cared to admit when he said they were just partners, friends.

She cannot help but wonder what would have happened if she had pressed just a little harder, forced him to divulge his true feelings. Because she knows now that he already loved her. Or if she had shoved him back against the wall and kissed him, because she wanted to. So badly. Despite her anger, or maybe because of her anger, having him there in her apartment while they were both so riled up...

Kate wants to believe that his hypothetical admission or her hot and furious kiss would have changed things, but she knows that it would not have made any difference in the end. Not then. She was still too determined, too wrapped up in the case. Too stubborn.

But none of those even compare to the last time they were here in this hospital. Only back then the situation was reversed and everything between them was still so complicated. Because she had Castle's words and a boyfriend and a hole in her chest. And he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a handsome smile and a brain full of questions that she was not ready to answer.

In retrospect, she wishes she had let him stay and just asked him to stop prying. Told him the truth. Or at the very least, that she was not ready to deal with the truth. She has a feeling he would have understood. That he would have done anything to help her, to see her smile. And that her summer would have been infinitely less miserable with him by her side.

_"Castle, I'm really tired."_

_"Right, of course. We'll talk tomorrow."_

_"No, stay. Please. I just...need to rest." But she wanted him here. Wanted his face to be the first she saw when she came around again._

_"Right, uh, of course." He settled back into the chair, eyes still fixed on her as she attempted to re-situate against her pillows, flinching in the process. Her mobility was so limited and she hated it. Hated that it hurt to breathe, that she could hardly move. Hated that her brain was so hazy from who knows how many drugs, that her eyes were slipping shut again after just a few minutes awake. That she was essentially useless except for her ability to take up space and some of the oxygen in the room. _

_Castle was on his feet the moment she flinched, reaching out to adjust her pillows and pull the blanket up as high as possible without disrupting her bandages. Kate wanted to be annoyed but she did not possess the energy to protest or even so much as roll her eyes, and the way he was looking at her...like she was the most amazing and beautiful person he had ever seen despite the fact that she was in a hospital bed fighting back from a bullet that should have killed her. And maybe it was that more than anything else that made her want him there, despite the fact that there was Josh and a giant lie and unacknowledged words hanging between them._

_Then again, she wound up breaking up with Josh just a few days later. Maybe if she had allowed Castle to stay, none of that would have happened like it did. Maybe they could have sorted it out sooner and in a better way._

Kate shakes her head, breaking herself from the hypothetical scenario, though it is so real in her mind that she wishes it were not simply conjured up by her strung-out brain. She wishes she had handled all of that so differently. Because here, on the other end of the situation, fighting tears because her partner is unconscious in a hospital bed...she cannot even begin to imagine what he went through. Thinking she was dead, seeing her again for just a few minutes before essentially losing her all over again. And through it all, he lived with the reality that she never heard his words. And that she was not ready to hear them again.

She would give anything to hear them right now.

_"Because I love you."_

_Silence falls, harsh and tense and full of so many things that should have been said so long ago. Like the fact that she lied and the fact that he was working the case. And the fact that she loved him too, no matter how much she hated him at the moment._

Every word of that fight is permanently burned into her brain, playing on a loop over and over in her mind now and maybe Kate wants to hear his declaration again but not like this. Never like this.

She just wants to be able to hear him say those three little words without also hearing the cacophonous din of whatever else was going on at the time. Without the memories of tears and anger and bullets.

She wants memories that are not tarnished by an explosion or a tiger or a gun held to the back of Castle's head by a lying traitor. Ones that are not built around fear or lies or missed opportunities.

Ones that do not conjure up the horrible nightmares of blonde flight attendants and snide comments and Lanie's words of "holding pattern" and "tired of waiting" and "you waited too long."

She still does not entirely know how all of that happened. How they went from getting progressively closer to complete detachment overnight. How they indirectly seemed to be sharing the same thoughts while in reality, she must have completely misinterpreted his words, his expressions.

_"It makes you think of all the things in your own life that you don't want to put off any longer."_

_Their gazes were intense, locked together, and she was sure she could see that he knew that she was talking about him. The way he looked at her when he said, "I was thinking..." was a dead giveaway. He was going to ask her out. She was sure of it. He was going to ask her out because all of their victims had plans for tomorrow and now none of them do and she could tell that case was impacting both of them._

_What she did not foresee was that it would wind up driving them apart. _

_Now she wishes that she had grabbed his arm when he turned away, stopped allowing him to duck out every time she attempted to have a conversation with her. That she had not allowed Ryan and Esposito and the case to continuously interrupt them._

_Hell, she should have just shoved him into the nearest interrogation room and kissed him. Hard. She should have kissed him and never, ever stopped. _

Right now, she wants nothing more than to do just that.

And as the steady beeping of the heart monitor cuts through the silence of the sterile white room, Kate cannot help but feel a pang of loss, of desolation. Because they could have had so much more time together, so many more kisses and touches and nights wrapped up in each other and if he does not make it out of this...

No.

No.

She is not allowed to think that way. She cannot. Because he is going to be okay. He has to be. The doctors say he should come around within a couple hours and she is clinging to those words like a lifeline because though they may well be an empty promise, they are all she has right now.

She cannot live without him.

Ever.

She cannot even imagine work without him by her side now, though part of her is rationalizing that he would be safer behind a desk with his laptop, fully embracing his writing career instead of spending every day with her. But she selfishly wants him there. They are, however, going to have a little chat about safety and common sense and jumping in front of men wielding weapons.

Finally, _finally, _she feels his fingers move beneath her grip, just the slightest twitch, but aside from the machines monitoring his vitals, it is the first sign of life she has seen from him all day. Her head snaps up, zeroing in on his face, desperately willing his eyes to open, but they do not. Not right away at least.

His fingers twitch again and Kate squeezes gently, alerting him to her presence, hoping that somehow it will register in his mind, help draw him back into consciousness. His mouth moves then, lips parting and smacking a couple of times, dry and rough, but it is movement and it is _hope _and Kate continues to cling to his hand, rising to her feet to lean over him, cup his neck with her other hand, coaxing him back to her.

"Castle," she whispers, voice coarse and choked, three words stuck in her throat, begging for escape.

"Castle, please," she half-sobs, needing to see his eyes, hear his voice again.

His hand moves within hers but this time it is not an involuntary twitch but a deliberate movement as his fingers curl into her grip, interlacing themselves with hers. Kate's heart quickens as they twine together, palm to palm, and tears escapes, unbidden, at the mere feel of his hand locked with hers.

She cups his jaw, thumb tracing the line of his mouth as his lips flutter apart again, a soft moan escaping.

His eyes flutter open then but close again just as instantaneously, but it is enough to have Kate leaning further over the bed, burying her nose against his neck and breathing him in, hoping that he can somehow sense her presence, her agony, her raw need.

She feels movement in his throat as he swallows, rasps out a dull sound that sounds suspiciously like her name. When she warily lifts her head, his eyes are open again, clearer this time though still blinking rapidly against the harsh lighting.

"Castle," she gasps, unable to reign in the tears of relief, the racing of her heart at seeing him awake. "Oh God, Castle."

"Ka..." he rasps, another attempt at her name, and he instinctively reaches for her but his arm falls as quickly as it rises, reflexes dulled by the pain medications and the haze that is still settled over his concussed brain.

His heart rate and blood pressure monitors register the spike in levels, alert the team of nurses to the change in his state and Kate probably should have pressed the call button like they ordered but she honestly is too engrossed in having him awake to remember any sort of instructions.

The nurses come bustling through the door then, jostling her away from the bed as they surround him. Snippets of their conversation flit through her head but she is not focused enough to register any of it because all she wants is to see him. She wants to be back in that chair, gazing into his eyes and clinging to his hand and hearing his voice because maybe it has only been six hours but it feels like ages. And she needs to actually say the words this time instead of holding them back, waiting for the right time, because she very nearly waited too long again. If today has taught her anything, it is that the right time may never come.

After all, he first said the words to her when she lay dying in the cemetery.

The right time, in a way, because it gave her something to hang on to as she lay on the edge, clinging to the vanishing wisps of life. It gave her reason to fight through the misery and pain when she woke from surgery, a reason to want to recover fully, to be better than she had been before.

But it was also the wrong time, because every part of her fading consciousness wanted to reach up and cup his jaw, guide his forehead to lean against hers as she whispered the words back to him. But she could not, because the shock was already taking over her body, stiffening her muscles, seizing her heart, the weight and dread and fiery pain clenching her chest, suffocating her, and it was all she could do to keep her eyes open long enough to even hear his words in the first place.

They play over and over in her mind now as she anxiously awaits the departure of the medical staff. She strains her neck from the edge of the room, yearning for any glimpse of him to ensure that he is still awake and that he is going to be okay.

After what seems like an hour yet is really just a few minutes, the individuals begin to scatter, jotting notes on clipboards, vanishing back into the hallway with a folder of medical records. One nurse remains in the room, gently informs Kate that he is still awake and she is free to return to his bedside.

She hurries out a thank you before crossing the room in long strides, sinking back into the chair by his bed and re-establishing the grounding link of their hands.

"Hey," he rasps, voice still rough with disuse and dehydration but it is him and he is awake and speaking and she just...

"I love you," she blurts, clumsy and abrupt, but she needs it to be known.

Castle freezes, eyes locking with hers as the words fill the air.

"Kate..."

"I was so worried," she sobs, feels a fresh wave of tears stain her cheeks. "God, Castle. I thought...and I just...I love you so much. And I..."

"Shhh," he placates, fingers squeezing hers in encouragement and support. "I'm okay."

"I know," she breathes, believing it for the first time now that he is alert enough to reassure her. "I know."

Her eyes fall to their joined hands then, her thumb caressing the soft skin on the back of his hand, and even behind the effect of the medications, Castle notices the disruption in eye contact. The minute sign that something is troubling her.

"Kate."

"Hmmm?" she asks without lifting her head.

"Look at me," he instructs, and even though his voice lacks strength, his tone still draws her gaze back up.

"What's wrong?"

Kate shrugs, shakes her head. "Nothing. I just...long day."

"You just...you love me," Castle says, confusion giving way to a sappy smile, eyes crinkling, though the movements of his face are restricted by the swelling of his eyelid and temple.

She nods, eyes briefly flicking away again before meeting his.

"Is that...a problem?"

Kate shakes her head. No, it is not. Not at all. It feels good to get those words off of her chest, to stop holding back. It would feel even better to have reassurance that they are still reciprocated.

"Then what is it?"

She can see that this is killing him, being trapped in a hospital bed with wires and tubes connected in various places while she sits off to the side lost in her own little insecure moment. Because this should be about him, not about her. But she needs to explain because as much as he should probably be sleeping again, giving his brain a rest, she knows that he will not rest until he receives an explanation for her momentary burst of insecurity.

"You've only said it when I was...dying," Kate's voice breaks on the word, "or when you were angry. I wasn't...part of me wonders if maybe you'd just said it because you thought it would help..." Kate trails off, well aware that she sounds petty and ridiculous because the way he is gazing at her right now leaves no doubt as to his feelings for her.

"I love you, Kate," he interrupts, cutting her off, putting an end to her wonderings. "I know I haven't picked the most opportune moments to express that, but...I do. I have, for a long time. And I always will."

She smiles then, cannot help the chuckle that escapes, relief and joy and love all in one. "You sure it's not the pain meds talking right now?"

Castle squeezes her fingers with more force than strictly necessary but it has the desired effect of clearing any lingering doubt from her eyes. "I'm sure."

She dips her head slightly as the blood rushes to her cheeks, his genuine words washing over her so thoroughly.

"Come here," he murmurs, tugging on her hand. He flinches slightly as his head moves in the process, eases himself back against the pillows despite the fact that every one of his muscles is aching to contract, to lift his shoulders from the bed and lean closer to her.

Kate stands and bends forward, her free hand rising to gently cup his neck as she brings their lips together softly, sweetly, so much less than they both need and yet so much more than she could have asked for just an hour ago. She buries her head in his neck after they separate, breathing him in as he inhales her scent as well.

She wants to climb into the bed with him, meld their lips together until they run out of oxygen and have to part. She wants to hold him close and never let him go, wrap him in blankets and hide from the dangers of the world. Not at all practical, but much preferable to spending any more of her life in a hospital.

"I'm sorry, Kate," Castle murmurs as though following her train of thought. "I'm really sorry."

She shakes her head, unwilling to lay any of the blame on him right now. No, it was not his best decision ever. Yes, she is moderately annoyed and angry that this ended up happening. But right now, she is just happy that he is awake and talking, having suffered only a concussion when it easily could have been much worse.

Another day they will hash out the details and have the argument she is sure is looming.

Today, they will bask in the words that have finally been spoken. The feelings that are no longer a secret. The lingering questions that will no longer go unanswered.

The love that will always be theirs.

* * *

**THE END**

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_Thoughts?_


End file.
